Forgive Them For They Haven't got a Clue

I grew up with the Biblical adage, “Forgive them for they know not what they do,” even though it was my discerning observation that, quite often, whoever ‘they’ were, certainly did know and did whatever they did deliberately. This is the martyr’s definition of compassion. Hang yourself up on a couple of sticks somewhere and let yourself be tortured and killed, because, hey, your pain allegedly benefits others…”They’ll see. They’ll learn. They’ll feel remorse.” Sorry to burst that bubble, but not likely.

The above quote is the Christian definition, but it tracks through prior centuries of the Age of Martyrdom. Its Age includes the entire of Pisces and some of the previous Arian Age. The Gods of Aries weren’t only about the law {the high side} but about War. The battling hero/heroine is a martyrdom construct. “There is no greater love than to give up your life for another.” So, we’re taught to go around throwing ourselves under buses? Well, yes.

How often do we hear, or think, “S/he meant well…” after having been treated inappropriately, or worse. Or, the epitome of self-betraying self-denigration, “Oh, well, I have to be compassionate because of their wounding…”

While discerning observation can show us what others are acting out from, that does not excuse or condone the behavior, nor does it mean we have to self-betray. Think that’s harsh? The self-betrayal? Okay, for example.

Have you ever done something you did not want to do because your partner or someone else wanted it? Something that was very much not in your best interests or for your enjoyment? Every woman’s hand is up here. Probably every man’s, as well. This is a form of self-betrayal. And we are the clueless perpetrators.

Decades ago, I was assaulted at knife-point. My subsequent therapy pointed out that I kept trying to forgive my attacker {whilst wanting to kill him} but I was beating myself up for not paying more attention, for not knowing how to, or trying to, escape while he stole my car and drove us around in circles. I with a bag over my head and a knife in my side. Could I have jumped out of the car? Could I have done something? Why hadn’t I? As if the physical trauma wasn’t enough, I heaped mental umbrage on myself. This is one of the worst forms of self-betrayal. We become the perpetrators of our own devaluation.

As I later learned, in my many decades of martial arts, the one thing I could have rightly accused myself of was not paying attention to that one moment when I saw the guy out of the corner of my eye and could have avoided the whole confrontation. I didn’t run. I felt the danger but chose to take the high road and ignore it. I was exhausted and I misjudged. I was harmed. And, I learned. Does that make what happened okay? A learning experience? Was that lapse of attention worthy of self-condemnation? Hells to the no! I do tend to try to learn things the hard way. {silly rabbit}

In terms of awareness, it is as though that event happened to someone else, though my body disagrees. That was someone I used to be. Someone who was learning how to navigate hell. Someone who was being shown how not to self-betray. In retrospect, I can see the angels around me shouting, “Not surrender to the betrayal, idiot! Surrender into Trust! Lean in, for goodness sake! Ohhh…. Need a hand getting up? We’re here. You only have to ask.”

What I did learn, and immediately, was that even though my physical and emotional bodies were crouched, sobbing in the shower, a clear, calm, insistent vibration thrummed through me. “This did not happen to you. It happened to your body. It cannot touch what you are.” And, I knew that was the truth. I knew, but I had yet to embody that truth. Embodiment is part of integration.

I went through the medical necessities, and months of therapy, as my bodies needed me to do. I realized a lot of things. I saw how conditioned into martyrdom I had been.

My therapist had a poster of Amelia Earhart behind her chair. I loved it. Amelia smiled at me on the toughest days, whose conversations had nothing at all to do with being attacked. We were way past that. I recall the day said therapist nodded to the poster behind her, asking, “What if you disappeared completely and were never found?” I answered, “I’d be there, with me.” I knew who the “I” in that sentence was. I knew, for sure. My therapist smiled, with tears in her eyes, “So we’re complete.”

Have I forgiven the guy? Wrong question. What I have integrated, is releasing and forgiving the energies in myself that would attack and harm and denigrate another life, just because I felt like it and I could do so. We all have that within us. It exists as part of the All. If I met this person on the road, would I kill him? I don’t know. This is where discernment comes in. What would be appropriate at the moment? Source knows. She will do the necessary when necessary. Wet work included.

One of my favorite quotes from Gael Baudino’s Starlight books, is, “When you can love him as you kill him, you will understand.” I do. This has nothing to do with right or wrong. It has to do with loving life and all that is sacred about it and acting as that bids one to do in every moment. So worth it.

Have I forgiven myself? That depends. Integration is all about seeing where we haven’t got a clue. Where we’ve been blind to what we allow and do. Integration neither condones nor condemns. It releases. It is a play in progress.

Yes, I was born aware and became enlightened, and the life I lead is indeed charmed. I am so very grateful. Even so, a charmed life is not without its challenges. Often many, and more than I would have chosen to experience. I know this about what I am. I will choose consciousness. Always.

The more open you become, the more you have to be discerning. Discerning like never before. Especially as we head into the transition from 2021 to 2022. Open your vision to include your own cluelessness. You won’t regret that choice. I never have. But, hey, I’m only me.

You’ve got this.
~Nalini