Re-Invention Source's Way
2021, for me, has been the year of my second full-on cave experience and a second dark night. Different, yet same. My life completely ‘psploaded’ {KT’s word} during both my first and second Saturn returns. This is not that… and yet it is. At my first Saturn return, my life blew up but I cared not, as I’d met my Teacher not long before. I KNEW my life was headed in new directions. It HAD to change.
My second Saturn return, I’d done with that second life, as well, and I knew it as it died. I’ve written before that I was aware of what was happening, as it happened, and that awareness does not make the logistics any easier. It does provide ease and grace, however, with which to make the transit. I had no fear. A fair amount of angst, but that goes with the program. We do tend to get all twisty when our bubbles burst.
This year has been an incredible opportunity, for which I am even more grateful than I was the first two times, and perhaps more than ever, for anything. They say hindsight holds 20/20 vision, and I can report that this recapitulation has yielded a bountiful harvest.
While I have been able to see the repetitive loops as they happened, receded, and thought they had gone forever, the newly yielded perspective of this cave experience holds pristine clarity. Another chance to forgive, myself this time. Another chance to see the loops from a higher perspective. May we all receive such a blessing! Amazing! The design of this life has been amazing!
2022 is re-invention time. Are you empowered to proceed?
We are all conditioned for addiction to reality as we know it, as we think we want it, and as we believe it to be. This has nothing whatsoever to do with what IS. Nothing. We live within designs of our own making. We write the code, Source implements it, usually in a far more benevolent manner than we believe.
In the Embodying Fluidity program, I teach about Lifetime Agreements and how they work. We set up parameters, for what seem to be valid reasons at design time, to experience a lifetime in a certain way. Consider, also, that this lifetime, for many of us, IS A BARDO. Contemplate that. I’ll say it again. What if this lifetime IS A BARDO for you? What was unfinished? Misunderstood? Unforgiven? Not integrated? Why did you set up the loops in the first place?
This is not true for everyone, but certainly for some of us. {So you have an out if this feels too scary} We have an opportunity, right now, to look at the repeating loops of our lives. To me, at the moment, they look like bubbles, lined up, or intersecting, one feeding from the last. Mine had a large gap as the “Enlightenment” phase was completed. It did dissolve them, as advertised. AND THEN…
Lifetime Agreements, or Bardo Agreements, in this case, reasserted themselves and went into infinite loop mode. For the past few years, I’ve been saying to Source, “Really? Again? This had been resolved! I know it had!” And I was both correct and misguided. We’ve gone DEEPER. We’ve hit the outer rim of collective enmeshment, of our agreements to incarnate at a specific time and place and for what purpose. We can continue to bounce off of these boundaries, or choose for them to dissolve, completely.
Had I dropped the body, as is usual a few years after a sustainable enlightenment experience, these loops would have gone with the body. But there is more that can be integrated, more of an opportunity during this transit, and some part of me knew it. This is what lies BEYOND all boundaries. And requires new ones, which I am learning about at lovespeed. Lots of bumps and bruises along the way.
Just when I thought… “Oh! It doesn’t work that way anymore. Right. I knew that. What DOES work?” Habit deleted.
So, how does reinvention work, now, anyway? Source’s way is going to be the only way.
It is time to drop ALL of the old stories, especially the ones we thought were dead and gone. I had to love the following quote. I heard it yesterday and almost fell out of my chair laughing.
“Source will never tell you a story to validate your bondage.” ~Abraham-Hicks
I can report that I honestly thought I HAD seen the forever loops in my programming, or enough of them for things to break free. I thought I had done that work. I had and I hadn’t. I was wrong. As I’ve written many times, there is always more. We really don't know anything.
What is breaking apart now, after this long gestation, is the larger loop that was enmeshed in the martyrdom cycle. It has been held together by the energies of Judgment and Rejection {known processes}. What I hadn’t fully let myself see was the top lock, or fake exit {kind of like Brexit}. It was ‘private purgatory’. Having to still, or at least edit, my true voice, hide my true energies, etc., etc. in order to avoid the worst fear state of being a public pariah. Tight bind, deeply buried. I thought it was long gone.
So, when I would find a sweet spot in saying ‘just enough’ or ‘what others needed or wanted’ which has been my biggest trap, I would be thrown into the ‘public pariah’ state, where people demonized me {the classic opposite of deifying} or ghosted, or betrayed my trust, or whatever.
It’s hell, as anyone who has experienced it can attest. And yet, most people’s distorted idea of enlightenment is that these states should be easy for one so elevated. Yah-huh. Not someone in a body. Trust me on this. And yet, recognizing the hell world for what it is and the patterns for what they are, does have its advantages. Ease and Grace being two of the most prominent. Are these patterns now easier for me to move through than for others? Possibly. And, hopefully, my transition through them will benefit you as well. At least you won’t require machetes.
This has not been a tunnel, with comforting light at the end. It has truly been the caved dark night. Welcomed like a friend this time. No despair, only wonder at what might be happening… again.
I did find myself thinking, a few times, ‘No one talks about THIS! There’s ANOTHER ONE!” And laughing, of course. It is funny. Cosmic jokes-r-us. Source reassured me that this is because of the old paradigm structure of leaving the body after that first round of total dissolution. Most awakened ones do, though there are exceptions. Those who flowed with the shift in 1993, instead of sticking to their gigs and carrying on.
What happened yesterday was joyfully gobsmacking. I felt the hooks in their entirety. I felt my participation and collusion and exactly how this shell program {think the main loop that contains the rest of the code} has been held in place. And I opted out. Firmly, and with conviction.
I am saying yes to something…else, or other. As I’ve said before, “I don’t know what I’m saying yes to, but I won’t say no.” Not to the shift. Not to the total re-calibration. I AM saying ‘no’ to what was. It’s over. Been there, done that, T-shirt’s in the bin.
I found myself stating firmly to our Great Mother, “I no longer need the cave. I no longer need the nightmares, to keep me on track. I no longer need the addiction to hell.”
I can report that it feels AMAZING! And, there has been so much light through this dissolution that I may have mistaken the nightmarish bits for delusional interludes between the peaks. Maybe they were. Maybe they always are. Such is my current suspicion. I neither know nor care. It’s all Hers, anyway.
May your re-invention transitions happen with ease and grace, and in the knowing that Source is always with you, every step of any way.
Love to you,
Nalini
